On the highway to hell
The incentive to write this particular piece came from a source which often is not awarded the credit it deserves. While skimming through the enlightening pages of The Hindu today, I stumbled across an article which intrigued me quite a bit, purely because it betrayed more than an element of truth. The writer had very convincingly presented the pros and cons of the two most famous modes of commuting in Delhi – the Delhi metro and the DTC bus. Inevitably, as a part of an almost revered Sunday tradition, I and my father plunged into this heated debate as to which of the two is worse. Yes, you read that right- worse, and not better. Not quite the idols of optimism here, you see. And owing to the fact that I have spent a fair chunk of many a beautiful days – bright and sunny, windy and spectacular, dark and gloomy, stuck in the dark and dingy (well, not really) closed chambers of the Delhi metro, I dare say that I have the necessary experience to present the real deal. After some serious deliberation, I present to you the five reasons which make the Delhi metro a strong contender for the title of “at the bottom of pyramids”
Reason 1 – Let There Be Air
If for some weird deranged reason you haven’t travelled via the Delhi metro, which I consider to be the eighth wonder of the world for all wrong reasons, I’ll attempt to transport you there virtually. Imagine this-People squishing against each other in an almost desperate attempt to testify the population crunch that our country’s facing, compartments brimming with more people than they are capable of holding, looking like some agitated volcano which is on the brink of eruption, rotten stench of human perspiration, the ear splitting cries of a toddler bawling in his mother’s arms , strands of fallen hair follicles estranged from their host bodies, and again ( I simply cannot emphasise enough on this), the mind numbing odour that human body is capable of producing. The stench is a common variable to both the Delhi metro and the D.T.C bus. However, the plus side of DTC bus is that these repulsive odours find their way out to the outer world via the open windows and are not in any way playing any favouritism. They will first attack you and then move on to the rest of world, much like the PR department of President Obama .On the contrary, in Delhi metro the stench acts like the politicians of our country- having an ugly aura and once gaining the grip, staying around to suck the living soul out of you. In my humble opinion, the cologne companies should make a product range specially designed for the Delhi metro users. Not only will it boost their profits, but will also fulfil their yearly quota of philanthropic work. I am sure it will be the greatest possible step to bring down the deaths caused due to the putrid smell of people inhabiting the pressurized compartments of Delhi metro.
Hollywood fans will understand this next reference a little better. Us metro-ites condition is something like Mr Mark Ruffalo a.k.a. the hulk in avengers, when he says “Really? They want me submerged in a pressurized metal container?”.
When you step in a metro coach and the mighty gates of the compartment close, the feeling you get is something akin to a turkey, stuffed in an oven for thanksgiving dinner. You better sprinkle salt all over yourself and prepare for an inevitable doom.
And each time the metro driver hits the brakes, you find yourself participating in an uncontrolled nuclear fission chain reaction. The moment he strikes the brakes, the person behind you shifts his entire weight on you and you, like an obedient part of a stack of dominos, fall on the person in front of you and this never-ending chain continues.
However, in DTC buses, if the driver awards you with a jerky ride, you can fly through the windshield- out of the bus and land on the road , Rajnikath style. Simply dust the dirt off your clothes and board the next bus. Simple as that.
But if we talk about the Delhi metro, it’s almost as though you are struck in a boxing ring, braving a fight against Mohamad Ali. Just sit there in prayer and wish for the atrocities to end. The bell rings, signifying it’s time for round 2 - time for you to change the metro and move to the next 20 minutes of your daily rationed misery.
Reason 3-Oh Lord, Please Open the gates!
Delhi metro-ites garner the necessary experience required to offer consultant services to people who bet on Derby races, giving them useful insight on how to identify the behaviour patterns of horses on the commencement of the race .When the automated gates of Delhi metro open, the sight is pretty much similar to that of a professional horse derby .The only difference between the two scenarios, in all probabilities, is that horses have less animalistic tendencies, and are calmer and more considerate as compared to a typical Delhi metro-ite. What baffles me the most is that commuters ranging from prepubescent boys to middle aged uncles to old grannies find it completely alright to push and tug at each other and guiltlessly obliterate everything and anything disrupting their path.
Reason 4- Just Don’t Get Me Started On The Ladies
The XX chromosomed counterparts of this ‘male dominated’ society are pretty vehement in their opposition towards acts of vulgarity, and I am a firm supporter of the cause. But let’s get this clear first. Not every man in the whole wide world lets his baser urges control his actions.
Genuine non- perverted men, however rare that breed may sound, still exist. Ladies must understand that in the human lasagne structure of life experienced in metros, men have little options to direct their gaze. They can’t be expected to stare at the roof of the metro, imitating Amir Khan from Lagaan , praying fervently for the rain god to bestow his grace. Neither can they be expected to stare at the ground like little school boys- punished for not completing their homework though many of us might have good practice as well as the muscle memory of the latter one. It’s completely normal for them to look right in front of them and if some ladies are a part of their peripheral vision, the guy mustn’t be scorned upon for that . And to men who accidently board the ladies coach-“I will always remember you in my prayer”
Reason 5 – the super Mario brother fans
These are people whose name should be enlisted for the bravery award from the president on Republic Day. They are the true fans of the Mario, who risk it all to save the Japanese princess. They similarly risk their entire life to stop the descend of the automatic doors of metro and are willing to shove any body part of theirs - be it their head, leg or hand to stop the door from closing, and save themselves a few minutes.
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